In the back of many students’ minds lurks the persistent desire to find and receive love. The Psychology Club invited Professor Zachary Stueve to give a talk titled “How to Find Love & Stay in Love: An Integrated Perspective.” About 50 attendees filled the Household Commons on Feb. 10 from 7:30 to 8:30 p.m. to hear Stueve’s experience-based relationship advice. 

Stueve drew his perspective from his studies at the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Marriage and Family Studies and his background in counseling, as well as his background running The Relationship Lab at Carnegie Mellon University. Stueve emphasized that these experiences have provided him with a practical perspective about what strengthens and sabotages romantic relationships.

Stueve divided his talk into two sections: seeking love and maintaining love. However, Stueve recommended creating a list before embarking on either of these journeys towards love.

He clarified that he did not mean the notorious future-husband checklist that some girls keep in their notes app. Instead, he suggested a brief list with only two or three characteristics.

As an example, Stueve shared that, when he dated, he was seeking a funny woman that he could laugh with. Funniness is not a characteristic that makes or breaks a marriage, but Stueve knew that it would make marriage enjoyable. Overall, he recommended developing self-knowledge, and based on that self-knowledge, identifying which characteristics would add joy to a marriage.     

Stueve then explained that seeking love consists of two major “decision points,” the first of which is simply dating. This process involves moving from friendship to a deeper relationship and discerning whether that person possesses any characteristics on the list. Following that, the second decision point involves seriously discerning marriage. 

Finally, Stueve shared tips for staying in love. He recognized that years of marriage can strain a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, Stueve told students that viewing a spouse as a teammate or business partner can erode the purpose of marriage.

Contrarily, Stueve reminded students that, “you’re responsible for making each other feel loved.” The goal of couples and spouses is not to solve each other’s problems or to run an organized home; instead, the goal is to be emotionally supportive. 

Those in love must feel completely free and open together. They must also work towards cultivating that safe environment. Stueve shared that instead of prioritizing chores in the evenings, he and his wife tend their relationship by simply watching videos or hanging out on the couch together. After this story, he concluded his talk with a question-and-answer session.  

Stueve’s experience and psychology-based advice left attendees with the tools to find and cultivate fulfilling relationships.