ANONYMOUS
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE
The J.C. Williams Center atrium was packed last Friday for a celebration for one sinner who repented.
The angels, in union with the communion of saints, held a great feast in honor of one student sinner who repented.
The Rev. Gregory Plow, TOR, was standing for three hours by the stop sign at the rosary circle praying Divine Mercy Chaplets when he saw the repentant sinner coming from lower campus. Plow ran to meet him and embraced him. After hearing his confession on the sidewalk, he draped the repentant sinner in a Living Stones sweatshirt.
The student, who wished to be identified as “one forgiven by the Lord,” expressed his gratitude toward God, and Plow, for welcoming him back into the fold, but otherwise he declined comment.
The nine choirs of angels, true to the words of Jesus that “there will be more joy in Heaven for one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous,” descended from the heavens into the realm of time to host a party following this confession, attracting members of the student body, faculty and staff.
There was a full spread of delectable food, including manna and a fattened calf.
“If this is anything like what Heaven’s gonna be like, I am so ready,” commented sophomore catechetics major John Crawford in between mouthfuls of roasted quail.
Entertainment featured the choirs’ synchronized dance routine to “The Greatest Show” from the popular musical “The Greatest Showman,” a comedic sketch with Sts. Lawrence and Philip Neri, and a duo aero-acrobatics routine by Sts. Padre Pio and Joseph of Cupertino.
“My favorite part was when everyone was distracted by Padre Pio doing a backflip in mid-air and didn’t notice that he was also behind them with a hose until it was too late!” said junior Kelly Franklin.
Party attendees expressed enthusiasm and joy at the unexpected celebration. Witnesses also testified that they were surprised at the variety of angels.
“That one with four faces and four wings was crazy!” said theology major Nate Dashno. “Kind of scary, to be honest.”
An angel that was particularly favored among party-goers was a silver creature that could be traced by the trail of glitter it left behind.
Some believe that this host is still among us or has been entrusted to the university in a special way. Students in Trinity Hall have reported seeing glitter in the hallway, shower and certain common rooms. One senior member of a men’s household reported finding silver glitter in his scalp and was heard saying, “I must be anointed.”
Some controversy was sparked with J.C. Williams administration due to failure to clean up the rose petals St. Therese scattered on the floor and failure to obtain permission to slaughter the fattened calf on the stage.
“It would’ve been easier, and not nearly as messy, to get Chick-fil-A to cater the event,” said administration. “And angelic natures or not, they should have reserved the atrium.”
One student, who hasn’t been to confession in three months due to self-reports that he’s “doing just fine,” asked St. Michael the Archangel why a party was not thrown in his honor for his good works. The student declined participation in the party, instead opting to kneel outside the J.C. loudly thanking God that he wasn’t like the sinners inside, or the IRS.