Archeologists discover fragment amending Ten Commandments 

Anonymous Satire

Archeologists in Palestine rocked the scholarly community this week upon uncovering a small piece of the stone tablets given to Moses at Mount Sinai. The piece of stone, no larger than a fist, has apparently been verified by historians as genuine.

The head of the expedition, one Barnard Tolgywood, published his findings this week in several archeological and historical journals, launching himself and his team to international fame. In his paper, Tolgywood — whom some are calling “the modern Indiana Jones” — provides the stone’s text and an extensive analysis of its contents.

He reveals that the fragment is an amendment, or rather an exception, to the third commandment.

“Within the Mosaic Law, we find a strict instruction that the faithful keep holy the Lord’s Day,” wrote Tolgywood. “However, our discovery shows that there is an almost indetectable asterisk at the end of the line, which leads to a note at the bottom of the stone: תקרא לי אני רווק.”

For those of us who are fluent in Ancient Hebrew, this translates (albeit roughly) to, “Unless thou hast homework.”

“This is marvelous news,” Tolgywood said. “Now, religiously-inclined university students across the world can continue to blatantly ignore a fundamental and ancient commandment of God without feeling guilty.”

The students of Franciscan University of Steubenville heaved a collective sigh of relief upon learning that their laziness would, indeed, go unpunished. Senior Talida Mordecai was happy to know that four years of procrastination were now backed up by the Word of God.

“This is actually really refreshing, because now I don’t have to use my ‘The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath’ argument when explaining why I’m writing a 15-page paper at 2 p.m. on a Sunday,” Mordecai said. “It was wearing thin.”

Other students were slightly uncomfortable realizing the amendment implied that they were doing anything wrong in the first place. Sophomore Simion Batton, when asked about how the discovery would impact him, said he “thought that commandment just applied to like, work.”

Though the benefits of finishing homework before Sunday run far beyond the theological, a survey of the campus population revealed that this Decalogue Amendment will offer little or no change to their weekly routine.

It seems that the majority of our spiritually insightful student body simply assumed the commandment’s invalidity prior to any knowledge of this finding. That being said, the second question on the survey, pertaining to another commandment — “Wouldst thou ever commit adultery?” — was met with a resounding “No.”

Tolgywood concludes his paper with a triumphant declaration that “this is a new chapter in the lives of Christian students.” Having himself been an overworked university scholar with poor time management, he hopes that his team’s discovery will act as a balm for those in distress.

“You can now rest secure in the decision to murder your Saturdays, foregoing the half-baked excuse that you’re ‘doing the day of rest a day early.’ Would you like to lay on the floor? Lay on the floor! There’s time enough for the stuffy business tomorrow, and God says it’s quite alright.”