Satire: Cautiously Curated Campus Cryptids
By anonymous In a recent press conference Rev. Dave Pivonka TOR revealed that the school has been infiltrated by a number of strange creatures, or “cryptids,” as the administration has taken to calling them. While the cryptids are predominantly harmless, Fr. Dave believes it would be best to keep the students informed about the situation. […]
Satire Column: Peasant Concerns
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an ambitious young man, full of ideas for the betterment of his community and ready to put […]
Satire Column: A Great Day to be a Baron
By Anonymous Time seemed to slow as the twelve-passenger van rolled along University Blvd. Matt raised his weary head from his pillow resting against the window, his eyes came alive, and his jaw dropped. After five long days on the road from Utqiagvik, Alaska, on the 24th day of August in the year of our […]
Satire: The Packing List
By Anonymous Columnist Fresh out of high school? Searching for your next big step in life? Thinking about coming to Franciscan University of Steubenville? Not a bad idea. If you come to Steubenville, you’ll grow in so many ways. From the English department, you’ll learn that “to be or not to be, that is the […]
Satire Column: Familiar epidemic returns to campus
By Anonymous An old epidemic strikes Franciscan University of Steubenville anew reported Health Services on Monday. “We’ve seen this drug before,” said an anonymous official at Health Services. “We thought we had eradicated it last time, but, somehow, it’s returned.” Officials say that the drug is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. […]
Satire: Dual Discernment
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was a pious young man: an altar server and a choir boy, very prayerful and always seeking to […]
Satire: The Mimic
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an eager young man, always excited to grow in holiness, and, while still growing, to look as […]
Satire: Student discovers groundbreaking new approach to discerning marriage
By Anonymous Sophomore Joseph Finnegan claims to have discovered a groundbreaking, foolproof method for discerning marriage. “I had never even dated someone before,” said Finnegan, which is what led to his discovery. “I figured that if I couldn’t get a date,” he continued, “I’m probably called to the priesthood, so I joined the PDP my […]
The Lethargic Leader
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an eager young man, always excited for adventure and ambitious in his pursuits of philosophy and theology. […]
Satire: student petitions influence Christ the King Chapel renovation plans
By Anonymous A divide has sprung up on campus between traditionalist and charismatic students over the form they believe the new Christ the King (CTK) chapel renovations should take. A group of traditionally-minded students have put forth a blueprint for the University’s consideration featuring Gothic spires and a tiled roof reminiscent of St. Stephen’s in […]