Joshua Judges Ruth
The Universal Church
Anonymous Satire Column In an interview April 3, Franciscan University’s president announced plans to establish several new campuses across the globe as the next phase of a recent capital campaign in response to overwhelming over-funding. The Rev. President Dave Pivonka, TOR announced Thursday that the school will be establishing new campuses in crucial places across […]
The Wait of a Heart
Anonymous Satire Column In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner; one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an honest and straightforward young man; he liked people to be straightforward and honest with him. […]
Satire Column: Peasant Concerns
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an ambitious young man, full of ideas for the betterment of his community and ready to put […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: a safe place
By Anonymous Avila Socrates, eldest daughter of Franciscan University philosophy professor Thomas A. Socrates and newest intent to “Bilhah or Zilpah” household, stood dead still in the middle of the J.C. Williams Center. No thoughts entered her mind. Her head throbbed, maybe from slamming it into the steel cross when she intented to B.O.Z. that […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Man ostracized for being apathetic about LOTR
Anonymous Satire On the cusp of graduating, a man lost his entire friend group after a slip of the tongue revealed his lack of strong feelings for J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy. The fatal error came when Senior Aaron Milk attended a house party off-campus where several philosophy and theology majors began […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Security uncovers plot to forcibly baptize Jordan Peterson
Anonymous Satire Students were shocked this week to see Franciscan University Student Government (FUSG) president Alex McKenna being led out of the J.C. Williams Center in handcuffs by members of the campus security team. The arrest came after two weeks of a detailed sting operation which led to the discovery of FUSG’s complex plot to […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Chapel ministries introduces new Lenten FOP
Anonymous Satire In a continued effort to represent the different sects within the Catholic Church, chapel ministries has announced that this month they will be organizing a newly-structured Festival of Praise (FOP) in observance of the Lenten season. Noting that the Church recommends a focus on the voice in liturgy during this time of penitence, […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Pacifist students establish anti-dispute ‘Caritas Society’
Anonymous Satire Rising levels of frustration with pretentious pseudo-intellectual factions have driven a group of Franciscan students to create “The Caritas Society,” a guild which aims to bring the light of brotherly love and friendship to FUS. Using 1 Corinthians 13 as a template, the students are working to create a culture that is radically […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: New year, same me
Anonymous Satire I would warn anyone who is attempting to advance in the spiritual life to avoid making New Years’ resolutions. I’m telling you this for your own safety. Have you ever called upon the Holy Spirit in your morning prayer to help you practice the virtue of patience? In the moment, you feel all […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Obligatory satirical dating column
Anonymous Satire People really like to complain about the dating culture here as if it’s a uniquely Franciscan problem. This whole discussion about what it means to be standoffish is pointless. Women, they’re supposed to be standoffish. That’s their job. They’re supposed to be up there in their ivory estrogen tower, brushing their hair and […]