Dear Romeo and Juliet: Austria Separation and Fake Boyfriends

By Anonymous


Dear Romeo and Juliet,

Austria is where relationship dreams go to die. I started talking to someone at the end of last semester and the only problem was that he would be in Austria this semester. He promised me that we would make it work… and well, it’s not working right now. He can’t call me because of his phone plan and the horrible wifi connection in the Kartause. He never responds to my texts and it’s like he just fell off the face of the planet. What should I do?

Heart Achingly,

Agnes Haynesworth


Dear Agnes,

There is only one reasonable thing to do. Go surprise him at the Kartause! Even better, just drop out of school entirely, buy a plane ticket, and just stay in Austria for the whole semester! Why try to do long distance when you could solve this problem so easily? There is bound to be a girl’s room you could move into. In the worst case scenario, you get married as soon as you arrive and then they have to give you married housing. Time to start a go-fundme for your plane ticket!



Dear Romeo and Juliet,

How do I address the issue of a fake boyfriend? There is this girl that I really like and we were kinda talking at the end of last semester and during Christmas break, but now that we are back on campus she tells me that she has a new boyfriend from back home! I have found no proof of this “boyfriend”. I really thought something was going to happen! Do I confront her? Do I leave it? Is this a game to figure out? SOS.


Matthew Wheeler


Dear Matthew,

Everyone knows that boyfriends from “back home” don’t exist. This is obviously a test. She wants to know that you think she’s worth pursing even though she’s “dating someone else”. Don’t confront her. Women don’t want questions, they just want you to know already, without communication. My advice is to set up a scavenger hunt that ends with a date at one of her favorite restaurants. Get her friends involved so she’s really surprised when she finds you at the end. If you’re really feeling confident, why not propose too? It is spring after all!