Dear Romeo and Juliet: Car crash and forbidden love

Romeo and Juliet
Romance Advisors

Dear Romeo and Juliet,

I’m writing to you from my hospital bed and the morphine is kicking in. I’ve been reading this column in the Troubadour and I always thought it was ridiculous, but here we are. It must be the morphine. Anyways, I took this girl on an epic date. The next day, I was walking back to my room from class and texted her asking if she wanted to go on a second date. As I was crossing the street from the Rosary Circle sidewalk to the St. Francis Hall stairs, the same girl I took on a date came speeding down the hill and hit me with her car, potentially ruining my D3 lacrosse career. Does this have anything to do with our date and that I asked her on a second one, or is she just a typical woman who can’t drive?

Drugged up,
Junior John Maltzan


My dear John,

My oh my. It seems less like you need advice here and more like you need a lawyer. However, with my extensive detective work background, maybe I can help you figure out what is going on here. There are two highly likely possibilities that you should consider. The first is that she hates you. She absolutely, wholeheartedly, with all her being, despises you. If this is the case, you asking her on a second date was enough to convince her to run you over. However, gas prices are so high right now that, if this were me, I would resort to something less expensive if I hated you that much. Like, poisoning your food or just stabbing you. Because of those ridiculously high prices, it seems less likely that she hit you on purpose. Although, maybe that was the easiest way she could think of to get to a career ending injury. My other theory is she was driving like anyone else on this campus and forgot to stop at the stop signs. This seems much more likely. The lack of parking spaces available causes most people here to drive angrily. I wish you luck on solving this mystery, and I hope you either get married or get a restraining order. Now, let’s just hope she didn’t hit you because she was responding to your text.

Get well soon,



Dear Romeo and Juliet,

I have a situation that I think you could relate to. I have been in Mary Spouse of the Spirit household since my freshman year and I have also been friends with one of the guys in Brothers of the Eternal Song since freshman year. We went on a few dates and have now been secretly dating for a month. As a member of Mary Spouse, this would mean “discerning out” of household. Is it actually worth doing for this guy? How would people react to me dating a Brother?

Senior Mary O’Connor


To Mary,

You gotta weigh your options here. On one hand, you have a household full of good friends, on the other hand you have a potential baby daddy. Can you try to pull the old ‘two dates at once’ on them? Dating a Brother is already some sketchy business, so this is dangerous territory you’re getting into. Believe me, dating in secret is no fun (I’ve done it myself once or twice) but sometimes it’s the only way. Just talk your way into being able to do both. I mean, dating someone while in a discernment household still counts as discernment, right?

Best of luck with that Brother,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *