AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE
A group of freshmen in St. Elizabeth Hall are devastated this week after their friend with a car politely refused to give them a ride to Walmart, saying she had “too much to do tonight.”
Marya Hildenbergh, a member of the party who knocked on the car owner’s door at 8 p.m. begging urgently for a ride down the hill, calls the response “shocking” and “unprecedented.”
“It seems frankly unchristian,” Hildenbergh said. “Christ instructs us to lay down our lives for our friends. I just did not see that happening tonight.” The conflict comes just days after Hildenbergh received a ride to the airport at 4 in the morning from the same friend.
The party appeared distraught that their usual methods of persuasion went unanswered. One Jaunet Vadance recounted that they’d presented the driver with handwritten IOUs to guarantee Venmo gas money transfers “in the near future.” Needless to say, this did not change the driver’s mind.
Without the stock of pre-made cookie dough that they’d expected to buy, the girls are fading fast. “How are we supposed to watch ‘The Exorcist’ without microwaveable Pillsbury sugar cookies?” Vadance said. They did not respond to concerns about their questionable methods of preparing baked goods.
The party announced that they are launching an investigation into the driver’s claims of “finishing homework.” Disregarding the proximity of midterms, they insist that there was “something questionable” in her apologetic refusal.
“She’s really got no excuse,” student and head investigator Regina Blatts said. “She can’t whip out the pre-nursing card to avoid responsibilities. I get it. I’m a psych minor. We’re all working hard.”
To prevent similar incidents from occurring, the administration encourages students to make use of the “Frannie Carpool” Facebook group, despite the fact that the admin graduated in 2011 and never passed on the login info.
As of right now, the girls are sitting unhappily in an empty common room arguing over whether they should ask for a ride from a less-familiar acquaintance down the hall or “just order Domino’s and call it a night.” For now, the girls will continue to bemoan the inability of freshmen to park on campus, ignoring the fact that they don’t even have a car to park.