Anonymous
In a monumental turn of events, a student at Franciscan University of Steubenville has beaten the entire scientific community to finding a cure for the novel coronavirus. The student calls the treatment “DGT,” and claims it’s the key to ending the pandemic.
“Don’t Get Tested,” or “DGT,” was first discovered two weeks ago by sophomore Federick Salud, a rugby player studying international business communications. Following an off-campus party, Salud’s roommate contracted a strange cough and was laid up in bed for 24 hours.
“My roommate was like, ‘Is it responsible for me to go to the Wellness Center and find out if this is COVID?’” said Salud. “And I was like, ‘Dude, if you don’t go, they can’t tell you that you have it.’ It was a moment of pure inspiration.”
Not only was the treatment effective for his roommate, but Salud himself, who made it clear that he, an athletic 20-year-old male, “didn’t show any symptoms anyway,” opted out of the nose swab. To their excitement and surprise, neither was diagnosed with the disease.
“This is a game-changer,” said Salud. “I’ve been able to go to the gym, to the caf, even to classes sometimes — no issues.”
Salud is convinced that, had he made this discovery previously and publicized it, “this whole global crisis thing wouldn’t have happened.”
Although this treatment is still in the testing phase, Salud’s circle of friends are advocating heavily for DGT. Junior Jakkob Rosen, a financial theology major, believes that widespread use of DGT could end the pandemic within a week.
“I’ve crunched the numbers, and it’s all there,” Rosen said. “If the entire population of America were to forego testing right now, the case numbers could drop into the single digits within 72 hours.”
This is not the first time Franciscan students have made major breakthroughs in the treatment of COVID-19.
Following a recent Lord’s Day commitment, a member of the women’s household “Incendio Spina” spoke of an entirely different and only slightly more demanding treatment than DGT. Since starting to pray the rosary daily, she has not contracted the coronavirus, says healthy young female student Polonia Marbles.
“I’m honestly at the point where I’ve realized masks are pointless in comparison,” Marbles said. “The second someone coughs, I just whip out the Blue Beads. Works every time.”
Salud plans to officially present his findings to the FDA this month, in hopes that it can be approved before the start of next year’s rugby season.
“I think this can do real good for the world, man,” Salud said. “Because of me, someday soon we’ll all be able to go to a party without being scared of the friars and faculty judging us. That’s the kind of culture I’m here to fix.”