Anonymous Satire
In a fresh and exciting attempt to accrue funds for the mysterious, weeks-long construction project that is causing mild cardiac distress in anyone who owns an on-campus vehicle, Franciscan University of Steubenville announced in a recent press release that they will be launching a fashion line under the hip and minimalistic name of “Franï.”
The press release announced that Bob Lesnefsky, who has long acted as Father Dave Pivonka’s personal fashion consultant, is spearheading the project.
In a letter detailing Franï’s mission statement, Lesnefsky made it clear that his intent is not to create a line of Franciscan University-brand athleticwear or monogrammed pullovers.
“On the contrary,” writes Lesnefsky, “my goal is to give those who are ‘down the hill’ the chance to embody the truly cutting-edge style that I experience every day here on campus. We are called to evangelize through our dress as well as our words and actions. That’s just what Franï is created to accomplish.”
In developing the line, Lesnefsky recounts that his team acknowledged that not all tastes are the same.
“We wanted to give the people a fair sampling of how students dress,” he said. “With that in mind, we’ve created two subcategories to choose from.”
The first line, called “Mary,” aims at capturing the look of the archetypal female Franciscan student. The accompanying description of the Mary line reads as follows: “Mary is casual and feminine. Mary is chic and put-together. Mary is the kind of girl who you see in your theology class and wonder, ‘How many pairs of clay earrings can one woman own? It seems like she has a different pair every day. Don’t those cost, like, 12 dollars each?’”
Aside from the clay earrings, the Mary line includes a selection of muted-tone, wide-leg pants and similarly shapeless blouses for that classic “unbalanced bohemian” look. The accompanying shoes look as if they either can’t make up their mind about being shoes or looking like someone took a pair of scissors and arbitrarily removed the back half. Overall, the impression is one of a girl who would be down to spend hours just sort of loitering on the lawn outside the J.C. because “it’s sunny.”
Listed second on the Franï website is the men’s line, aptly named “Joseph.” The accompanying description of the classic FranMan reads: “Joseph is laid-back and friendly. Joseph plays guitar at noon Mass. Joseph is literally always hanging out in the Office of Student Evangelization and you’re starting to wonder whether he even has any classes to attend.”
The selections in the Joseph line are minimal, containing just one pair of slate-gray denim pants, a couple of vaguely mission-related pastel shirts, and a silver chain sporting anywhere from two to 10 saint medals.
There are, however, two distinct shoe selections: dusty Teva sandals — because even when you aren’t speaking you have to remind everyone about that summer camp you worked at — and a pair of Vans that looks like they’ve been chewed on by ravenous wolves.
Sales open this Monday, and the company is offering a 20% discount with the offer code “MarianTattoo.”