Joshua Judges Ruth: Man ostracized for being apathetic about LOTR

Anonymous Satire

On the cusp of graduating, a man lost his entire friend group after a slip of the tongue revealed his lack of strong feelings for J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.

The fatal error came when Senior Aaron Milk attended a house party off-campus where several philosophy and theology majors began to discuss the Christological symbolism of Gandalf’s beard length. When asked his opinion, Milk simply shrugged, causing utter chaos.

“Everyone audibly gasped,” Milk said. “You could hear a pin drop.”

He was interviewed from his hermitage in the West Virginia hills, where he was forced to retreat after the incident occurred.

“One guy dropped his glass of brandy on the carpet, and another tore his shirt open like Caiaphas,” Milk said. “I didn’t mean to cause so much strife.”

Milk is remorseful for his behavior, although he does not seem to understand the response.

“I read the books in high school and watched the movies with my family,” he said. “I honestly just don’t quite get the hype. It’s essentially just a story about short guys taking a walk.”

William P. Dodds, member of the Meritas Society and former friend of Milk, feels differently. He refused an in-person interview, opting instead to send a falcon to the Troubadour offices holding several hand-pressed parchments in its talons.

It took several staff members to decipher the note, which was written entirely in Elvish runes.

It read, “The callousness which Milk displayed in his blatant disregard for the only good literature written in the last century just shows his lack of faith in the risen Christ. I am shocked and appalled that I surrounded myself in such utter yellow potato Penelope.”

Disclaimer: the final few words of the document were nearly illegible, and the transcript made by our mid-tier translators is dubious.

Deep, deep passion for the book series has been long acknowledged by the Catholic Church as an unspoken yet necessary observance. A secret Vatican document that was recently leaked to the public also lists “proficiency in swing dancing, family connections to a Bollywood film, Irish music, pipe smoking, breadmaking and familiarity with the discography of the Avett Brothers” as necessary requirements for entry into Heaven.

Certain requirements were waived, of course, for those born previous to the release of the first Avett Brothers album, considering that all other requirements were fulfilled.

For now, Milk will remain sequestered in his Appalachian cabin until he has done a deep study of the Silmarillion and subsequently shown appreciation for it.