Joshua Judges Ruth: Pacifist students establish anti-dispute ‘Caritas Society’

Anonymous Satire

Rising levels of frustration with pretentious pseudo-intellectual factions have driven a group of Franciscan students to create “The Caritas Society,” a guild which aims to bring the light of brotherly love and friendship to FUS.

Using 1 Corinthians 13 as a template, the students are working to create a culture that is radically anti-conflict. Alexandra Benley, the group’s founder, says she had the idea to create the group after she attended last semester’s infamous debate about the theological implications of the Star Wars prequels.

“We lost a lot of good men that night,” Benley said. “After I took a plastic lightsaber to the kneecaps for saying that Jar Jar Binks doesn’t necessarily represent the antichrist, I decided that enough was enough. This isn’t a sustainable campus atmosphere.”

Following that debate, Benley got to work assembling the school’s leading pacifists to talk about the issue of these argumentative students.

“We talked about a lot that night,” Benley said, “but we finally came to one central conclusion: college is not the place for reasoned disputes. Those kids in your philosophy class who ask a lot of questions might seem innocuous enough, but, next thing you know, they’re inciting a quasi-socialist revolution in the caf. We can’t have that here.”

The Caritas Society operates on three central tenets: Supporting the Ideas of Your Peers, Disarming High-Level Discussion, and Promoting a Loving Culture.

Members go by the title of “Yes Men” and have been equipped with a number of de-escalating tactics in case any discussion akin to conflict appears. For example, if a conversation appears to be tending toward disagreement, they are instructed to “give the person you are speaking to a big hug and walk away.”

Since the group was established, a number of professors have lodged complaints about this policy, but, as of yet, no change has been made, and students continue to embrace and walk out of their ethics classes in droves.

Of course, there is also their sworn oath never to speak to the members of any organization that does not stand for their same values. This led to what can only be described as a near-Romeo-and-Juliet situation, as a member of the Caritas Society unwittingly asked a girl out for coffee who turned out to be speaking in a debate that Sunday.

Chaos ensued, and a public battle of wits between the competing factions ended with the intellectual murder of two Caritas members, who had attempted to de-escalate the situation and ended up only stoking the flames of mockery.

Instead of debates, the Caritas Society hosts “affirmation nights,” in which a rotating cast of speakers spend two hours defending “anti-motions,” such as “This House Believes That You Are So Worth It, Girl.” The vote is always unanimously in favor of the house.

Some have cast their suspicion on the organization, noting that their decision to book the Gentile Gallery for these affirmation nights every Sunday at 7 p.m. for the next 10 years is a move only slightly less concerning than the administration’s decision to allow it.

Several campus organizations competing for the Gallery have been given nothing more than a big hug and a “better luck next time.”

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