Joshua Judges Ruth: Security uncovers plot to forcibly baptize Jordan Peterson

Anonymous Satire

Students were shocked this week to see Franciscan University Student Government (FUSG) president Alex McKenna being led out of the J.C. Williams Center in handcuffs by members of the campus security team. The arrest came after two weeks of a detailed sting operation which led to the discovery of FUSG’s complex plot to administer the sacraments of initiation to Jordan Peterson upon his upcoming visit to campus.

The plan, codenamed “12 Rules for Eternal Life,” was arranged over a series of handwritten notes and emails exchanged between McKenna, faculty and friars.

An anonymous tip led investigators to a covered, hand-dug pit outside the Finnegan Fieldhouse, which was purportedly going to be used as a baptismal font. McKenna denied all knowledge of this, claiming that the bulk of the plan was “purely apologetic.”

“Baptism isn’t necessarily the priority here,” McKenna remarked in an early pitch to the Rev. Dave Pivonka, university president. All audio recordings of this meeting were taken from Pivonka’s combination spy microphone and San Damiano wall cross.

“He (Peterson) was raised Christian,” McKenna said. “There’s a good chance he’s already baptized. The important thing is to really razzle-dazzle him with the power of Catholicism. Metaphorically melt his face with the fire of the Holy Spirit. Give him that final shove over the proverbial cliff of salvation. The time to act is now; we’ve got to get him before the Presbyterians do.”

Phase one of the plan was to plant a group of students to ask subtly theological questions during the upcoming campus talk’s Q&A session; for example, “Don’t you think Jesus was the original clinical psychologist?” and “You like Dostoyevsky. He was a big fan of God. Thoughts?”

Immediately following, the lights would be dimmed, a curtain in the corner would drop, and a hundred-piece orchestra would begin a full performance of Bach’s Mass in B Minor.

“I have a feeling a FOP wouldn’t go over too well with him, so this should be fine,” McKenna said.

Friars and members of the Priestly Discernment Program would be on constant standby with holy water-filled squirt guns and vials of sacred chrism in case Peterson showed any glimmer of a spiritual experience.

If all else failed, Scott Hahn would deliver a stirring reading of Paul’s conversion over the house speakers while a single, powerful spotlight would be directed straight at Peterson’s corneas.

“Of course, we want him to make this choice in freedom,” McKenna said on the tape. “We just also want to make sure that he doesn’t leave campus without a rosary around his neck and an undying devotion to the blessed sacrament. I feel like we’re not asking too much here!”

Unfortunately, campus security has exposed all efforts to enact this plan, and the talk is slated to proceed without any hindrance.

McKenna was released from university prison just yesterday and has made no comment on the situation. However, FUSG has since organized a prayer vigil, and something called an “incense test,” to be held suspiciously near the window of Peterson’s hotel room the night of his arrival. All are welcome.

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