Joshua Judges Ruth: Students attempt high culture


Students donned their top hats and twirled diamond-encrusted canes to embrace Franciscan University’s display of high-class affairs last week. Any observant socialites  like myself  certainly must have noticed that the week of Nov. 10 contained not only a chorale concert and art exhibit but also three separate poetry readings.  

Junior Ambrose Becket, who attended the chorale concert, expressed his praise of our university’s venture into the enlightened world. “I do say,” he did say, “it appeared as though multitudes poured forth from every dormitory, pursuing the choir’s captivating songs in the manner a boatswain seeks the siren’s alluring canticle.” Indeed so. Becket, who was additionally in attendance at two poetry readings, said that he felt his nose stick a little higher into the air this week. 

Senior English major Barnaby McAlister felt inspired by the sudden influx of culture. On his way to the opera, he briefly commented, “Contrary to the base philistine’s misapprehensions, the exposition of exemplary events administered for the nouveau-riche erudite has assuaged my pining for a parlance a la haut monde. In other words, I like it that I can use big words now.” Indeed, many have been using the language of the elite ever since, causing several headaches within the school administration. 

“In the last week, we have received over 50 requests for Franciscan-brand hand fans,” an employee at the university bookstore noted. “We are currently ordering ‘Franciscan Aristocrat’ travel mugs and vibrant green monocles, but the demand may be greater than our supply.”  

The bookstore is not the only institution running into trouble, however. 

A representative from the administration has reported that a petition has begun for Franciscan University’s name to be changed to “The Divine Academic Institute of St. Francis for the Gentry and the Cultural Elite.” The petition is set to close on Sunday and currently has 2,250 signatures.  

The general atmosphere on campus is one of women swooning in their Victorian attire and gentlemen uttering “I do say, good sir” at every given opportunity. A committee has formed to plan further high-culture events, such as an on-campus showing of Mozart’s “The Marriage of Figaro”; a live symphony playing the works of Tchaikovsky; and a book club focusing on Sir Philip Sidney’s classic sonnet sequence “Astrophel and Stella,” read in the original Elizabethan English, of course. 

Some may say that we have gone too far and that the sudden change of culture will negatively affect our campus, but they are the obvious minority. As far as the eye can see, students are studying their Jane Austen and Charles Dickens to learn how to act in a proper manner, all the while praying that the trend continues past this week and well into the future.