ANONYMOUS
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE
After nearly a month of break, students are expressing their joy as they return to an environment unclouded by the stain of moral depravity.
“Four weeks is a long time to be surrounded by the unholy majority,” said freshman Jepthro Minkle, who recently declared a theology minor. “I never understood how sinful my family was until I went to Franciscan.”
Many students bemoaned their inability to keep up their daily Mass attendance during the break, saying they could feel, in the words of freshman Angilica Winthrop, a “tangible and frustrating slip” in their spiritual conduct.
“I’m sure Jesus understands,” Winthrop quickly qualified. “Having to drive five minutes to my local parish for late-morning mass isn’t something he requires for my salvation anyway. I’ve got other merits to rest on.”
Upperclassmen are, by this point, used to the strain of entering back into a worldly environment. But, as junior Marizia Bashley expressed, “it doesn’t necessarily make it easier.”
“It’s not that I enjoy reverting into habitual sin,” Bashley said, “but I know that I have to do my duty as a Christian. St. Paul told us we must be all things to all people. If I have to do a little cocaine to show these people the acceptance of Christ, I’m going to do a little cocaine.”
In addition to a total lack of moral compass, students have returned home to find their family and friends ignorant of basic theological knowledge. Many were happy to be able to educate their brethren using leftover class materials. Minkle presented to his family a 70-minute lecture on the fourfold structure of the Catechism, complete with hastily-drawn chalk diagrams and paper handouts.
Christmas Eve Masses proved to be a general source of strife for students, who found the homilies “lacking in substance,” as one Sebastian Hinjelward complained.
“The priest managed to give an entire sermon on Matthew’s genealogy of Christ without once mentioning Davidic typology,” Hinjelward said. “Absolute lunacy. I don’t know how Dr. Hahn can stand it.”
Fortunately, students can have peace of mind as they ease back into a more sanctified routine. “It’s a real breathe-easy sort of feeling,” Minkle said of returning to campus. “I’m finally back in a place where I don’t have to be the moral backbone of my community, and I’m grateful for that.”