AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE
It began with the propaganda. The small paper signs depicting masculine, bearded faces appeared on the walls of the J.C. Williams Center, boldly announcing an upcoming week of ministry for the campus’s male population. Now, the women of Franciscan University of Steubenville are crying out for justice.
“Man Week is a disgrace,” junior and self-described activist Marciana Doldondo said. “It clearly displays the way women are overlooked on this campus.” Doldondo was unable to elaborate further, as she was five minutes late to a lecture on the feminine genius.
“It’s the fourth talk in this week’s series. I literally cannot miss it or else I won’t find out the 27th secret to unlocking my true potential,” she called out mid-sprint.
It’s an electric time for campus’s female rights advocates as they ride the high of what one freshman boy called an “inspiring” Superbowl halftime performance. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous “out of shame for his sex,” feels that Man Week is “a huge step back for our society.”
“Jennifer Lopez did not pole dance on national television so that we men could just stand here and smash a car with baseball bats,” he said. “She did it for progression and change. I’m sickened by Franciscan’s refusal to stand in solidarity with this movement. In fact, on behalf of all men, I’d like to thank Shakira and J-Lo for what they’ve done.”
In direct response to campus ministry’s clear affront to womankind, one senior has taken up the mantle in order to enact real reform.
“I call my group the Soldiers of Joan,” president Philomena Smythe said of her newly established organization. According to Smythe, the all-women’s group is dedicated to “tearing down all gender roles and creating a matriarchy, just like St. Joan of Arc would have wanted.” Smythe is currently studying for an MRS degree with a concentration in housekeeping.
Until campus higher-ups respond to their rallying cries with a corresponding female equivalent to this week’s ministry, Smythe says that the women of Franciscan will not cease their protest.
“Every week is Man Week on this campus,” Smythe added. “It’s time that Adam’s rib fights back.”
Objectively speaking, this is the greatest article I have ever read. Love, dad.
Absolutely beautiful! I loved last print’s article, and you just keep that momentum going. “It’s time that Adam’s rib fights back” is probably one of the best lines of prose I have ever read. Great, great, great job.