By Anonymous
Satire Columnist
In a recent Wednesday audience, Pope Francis made a slew of vehemently heretical statements, endorsing polygamy, fornication and extravagant living, which incited the righteous backlash of the faithful across X (formerly known as Twitter), Reddit and other public platforms.
The pope began his most recent audience by saying, “We are all called to love everyone.” Members of the audience were stunned into silence, gaping in astonishment. Several members, after recovering from their stupor, pulled out their phones to begin their righteous condemnation of the pontiff’s heresy.
Zealous-Leader325, a faithful Catholic, wrote on X, “The pope has clearly overstepped his bounds again. The Church has condemned polygamy for centuries, and here he is openly endorsing it! ‘Love everyone’ my butt. Marriage is between one man and one woman, and old Franky here clearly doesn’t get that (with all due respect to his holy eminence). #NotMyPope”
The pope continued his audience despite the unease of the crowd, saying, “’Everyone’ includes more than just your spouse.”
This comment also received great backlash on the subreddit r/Catholicism, as the user u/Pius-Gregorius313 unleashed his righteous anger in response: “A pope who would openly endorse fornication? Love more than just your spouse? We truly have reached the end times, brothers. Pope Francis is the anti-pope, I swear it.
“But do not despair, my brothers,” he continued. “Instead, raise up your voices to the Lord and pray for our Church, for Jesus says, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’ (Matt 5:44), and it is clear that the leader of our Church has become our persecutor and a great sinner, as he tells us to ‘love everyone.’”
The pope continued: “We ought to provide for the material well-being of our brothers and sisters.” How he got to this subject is unknown, as your correspondent was not present, and Francis’ audience was busily berating him online between his last comment and this one, and, therefore, did not hear what linked the two subjects.
One thing was clear to his listeners, though, and that is that this most comment, too, was heresy. An author from the audience has already published a book about it. The book is entitled “Pope Francis: Materialist and Aristocrat,” and it can be found in all major Catholic bookstores.
While attempting to justify his materialist views, Francis proclaimed, “Jesus Christ is fully man.” He followed this statement with something about full divinity, which was likely also heresy, but his audience had already latched onto this first part.
Jan, a 40-year-old parishioner at your correspondent’s home parish, said, “The pope has simply gone too far. He clearly doesn’t know his basic Catholic tenets. If he did, he wouldn’t have refuted Jesus’ divinity by calling Him ‘fully man.’”
The pope concluded his audience after a few closing remarks which the crowd was too heated to understand.
In response to this blasphemous audience, Catholics around the world have rallied behind Pope Bob, a Florida man who claims to be the true successor of Peter. He was inaugurated by a papal conclave comprised of his childhood best friend Phil, his pet alligator and his mother Crystal.