Romeo and Juliet

Dear Romeo and Juliet, 

So, there’s this girl that I really like. She’s amazing. She’s in a household; I always see her at 8 a.m. Mass, but she’s not your typical Franny girl. Like, she doesn’t own Birkenstocks or say things like, “I’ll have to discern that;” it’s refreshing. Anyways, I made a big mistake, and I know it. I asked her on a date, and I had everything planned out. I was going to borrow a friend’s car and take her to Leonardo’s on Fourth Street, but I couldn’t take the car anymore. So, I panicked. Our first date was at the caf … 


Jason Miller 


Dearest Jason,

Oh my, that is a mistake. However, it is a fairly common one. I have a feeling that now she is sobbing in her dorm room, ordering her first pair of Birkenstocks to try to conform to society after such a failure. So you must act quickly to fix this one. As for the fact that she is in a household, she must be fairly familiar with the kidnapping process. Take advantage of this fact. Your first step is to acquire your friend’s car keys. He is obviously unreliable, so I am afraid you will have to steal them. It’s okay; he will understand it was necessary once you marry this girl. Now here is where she might catch onto you: you have to skip 8 a.m. Mass. I know, I know, this is a tall order. But, there are 18 Masses a day on campus; you can always go a little later. Once she leaves the chapel, grab her from behind and take her to your friend’s stolen car (blindfold optional). She may kick and scream a little, but once she realizes it was you, she’ll calm down. Drive her off to a secluded area in West Virginia where you’ve set up a romantic picnic brunch for the two of you, and then propose to her. She has to say yes after that. 

You’ll make it to Mass eventually,



Dear Romeo and Juliet, 

The Lord works in mysterious ways. I went on a few dates with this guy and we’ve been discerning whether or not God is calling us to enter into a serious dating relationship together. I handled everything perfectly; I was intentional, took everything to prayer daily. The other night, while I was in the Tommy chapel, I told God that if this was truly the man for me, he would stop wearing rugby shorts in public. Needless to say, it hasn’t stopped. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. I can’t lie when someone asks me how my heart is. How am I supposed to tell him this isn’t going to go anywhere? 

God Bless, 

Mary Kate Davis


To Mary Kate,

Mmm, yeah that’s disgusting. If I were a girl, I’d do that too. Some people might tell you to talk to him about losing the shorts before you break anything off, but that’s wrong. Unless the next time you see him he’s wearing real pants, it’s over. Maybe the best way is to let him break up with you instead. As for the fact that he plays rugby, I think it’s safe to say he’s a pretty traditional guy in every way shape or form. So you ask him on a date. Offer to pay. You drive him around and pick out where you’re going. You buy him flowers. After that, he’ll never want to speak to you again.

You got this,



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