Satire: Cautiously Curated Campus Cryptids

By anonymous

In a recent press conference Rev. Dave Pivonka TOR revealed that the school has been infiltrated by a number of strange creatures, or “cryptids,” as the administration has taken to calling them. While the cryptids are predominantly harmless, Fr. Dave believes it would be best to keep the students informed about the situation.

The first of the creatures identified is the Studious-Hobgoblin. The fact that it was found at all is almost miraculous, as this creature spends all of its time deep in the bowels of the academic buildings, constantly preparing for an exam or frantically writing a paper.

The Hobgoblin will occasionally emerge after a few days to retrieve food, but it will quickly return to its little goblin-kitchenette in the depths of CODA before anyone can stop it to socialize.

And even if you are one of the rare few that manages to speak to one of these elusive cryptids, don’t bother inviting it to any sort of social event or a club meeting. It will come up with any excuse it can, and when forced into a corner, it will admit the bitter truth: it would rather study than hang out with you.

This is quite a contrast to our next creature, the Club Crawler. As the name implies, this cryptid goes to every club on campus… in theory. In reality, it fills up their GroupMe’s. We’re not sure yet if it’s just one creature making hundreds of accounts or if there’s an army of them, but there isn’t a GroupMe at Franciscan that hasn’t been touched by this critter, all of them full of hundreds of accounts more than the actual number of participating members.

While the Club Crawler’s busy virtually manifesting in the clubs of Franciscan, the JC Rat is actually present, always. You’ve definitely seen the JC Rat before (unless you’re as reclusive as the Studious-Hobgoblin), as it is always present in the JC, whether studying with a group, hanging out with friends, or enjoying the music, the Rat sees no reason to leave. And, unlike the Hobgoblin, it actually can stay forever, feeding on Pub food and Cupertino’s. one of the Rat’s most common nesting spots is in front of Switchboard, so if you ever need it, search no further.

Speaking of rats, the gym also has one. If you’re ever looking to get rid of a Gym Rat, just throw it some cheese. It’s probably bulking season, anyway. It’ll scurry off back to the gym in no time.

We also have a serious Chapel Mouse infestation on this campus. All the chapels seem to be infested, but the Port is by far the worst. You won’t find a moment in there without at least two Mice making themselves comfy, even in the wee hours of the morning.

Amidst all these infestations and mysterious lurking creatures, you have a few that walk in broad daylight. If it weren’t for their severely abnormal behavior, you could almost think these cryptids to be human. I am speaking, of course, about Sirens (Chalice Chippers in the vernacular).

These cryptids bear a strong resemblance to the human female, but they are marked by the fact that they always hang around the PDP with hungry eyes, searching for a victim. They’re usually content with just one, but if the first gets away, sometimes they do come back for seconds, thirds, or even fourths. Watch your collared comrades.

What’s really interesting is when one of these Chalice Chippers locks her sights on another of the cryptids, the Shy Guy. The Shy Guy has never and will never speak to a woman if he can help it. It’s not that Shy Guys find women uninteresting or anything, they’re just physically repulsed by them.

No matter how desperately one wants to speak to a woman, whenever he tries to get close, he is pushed away by some mysterious force, preventing any sort of connection with the opposite sex.

This repulsive force is so strong that, when cornered, Shy Guys have been known to ascend seemingly unclimbable structures. Atop these structures, they’ve sometimes bumped into another of Franciscan’s resident cryptids, the Bush-Blazer, which is known for making its own path in the most unlikely of places, such as rooftops, treetops, sewers, caves, or any other strange location the average person wouldn’t be exploring.

It is believed that there are more than the above listed cryptids lurking on campus, but investigations into the matter have proven inconclusive. The administration will release new information as it becomes available. If you have information on a suspected cryptid, report it to the proper authorities immediately.