By Anonymous
An old epidemic strikes Franciscan University of Steubenville anew reported Health Services on Monday.
“We’ve seen this drug before,” said an anonymous official at Health Services. “We thought we had eradicated it last time, but, somehow, it’s returned.”
Officials say that the drug is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. The problem is, despite ingesting it being extremely unpleasant, it is highly addictive, and the effects it produces are considered desirable by many college students.
Side effects of the drug include headaches; mood swings; rapid variations in energy levels; men’s ear piercings; accelerated heart rate; learning several chords on guitar then proceeding to bring one with you everywhere you go; increased blood pressure; twitching; long, shaggy hair on men; anxiety; insomnia; dehydration; beanie wearing; and, in extreme cases, snobbishness.
“Some students can’t seem to get enough of the stuff,” said the official. “Sometimes, we find whole stashes of it in dorm rooms, with all the equipment needed to make it digestible right there.”
The use of this particular substance has become almost casual in many universities across the nation, with students no longer hiding its presence, even going so far as to offer it to friends.
“You can’t just take down the dealers like most drugs,” said an official. “No matter how many sources get busted, the students always seem to have a supply of the stuff coming in from somewhere. We have reason to believe that it’s even being dealt out of university facilities, such as the beloved Cupertino’s and Egan Express.”
Health Services reported that consumption of the substance rises exponentially around exam season, then suddenly drops as students return home for break. This, however, is not a universal trend. Some students become so addicted during the semester that they continue procuring and abusing the substance throughout the year.
“We had one student come in for rehab who, at her peak, consumed upwards of eight doses every day. That’s year ‘round, we’re talking.” Explained a Health Services official. “She exhibited all the normal symptoms but grew even worse than most. She was highly irritable, fidgety, spoke extremely quickly—sometimes too fast to understand—and she was always seeking out another dose.”
The scientific community refers to this dangerous drug as 1,3,7-Trimethylpurine-2,6-dione, but the most common street names are “caffeine” and “coffee,” with “go go juice” and “dirty bean water” following just behind.
As previously mentioned, caffeine is unpleasant to ingest with a terrible, bitter flavor, so you may think it would be easy to identify and avoid. However, the substance is often concealed by spiking cream and sugar beverages. That’s right: cafeteria chocolate milk is no longer safe. Reports also suggest that some crazed lunatics have gone as far as to mix the dangerous substance with vanilla ice cream.
“Franciscan once stood apart from the secular college,” said Rev. Rufino Corona TOR. “We were a haven on a hill, a light on a lampstand. Now, our households are no better than Greek life, hosting ‘coffee houses’ on the regular. I’ve even been invited to sing at a few of these events. Not knowing they would actually be serving drugs, I attended, of course, and performed classic hits by Ed Sheeran and Lewis Capaldi.” Corona expressed how sorry he is to see the current state of the university. He then mentioned that his first album will be releasing next spring.
If you or someone you love suffers from an addiction to this dangerous substance, help can be found at 555-2326. On the other end, you’ll find expert volunteers at Fight the New-ish Drug to help you through this difficult time.
Fight the New-ish Drug is a non-profit that was founded by a Franciscan alumnus after his own sister was roped into the treacherous culture of caffeine.