By Anonymous
Sophomore Joseph Finnegan claims to have discovered a groundbreaking, foolproof method for discerning marriage.
“I had never even dated someone before,” said Finnegan, which is what led to his discovery.
“I figured that if I couldn’t get a date,” he continued, “I’m probably called to the priesthood, so I joined the PDP my first semester of sophomore year.”
As soon as he donned the famous Living Stones grey hoodie, a young woman immediately greeted him with a friendly smile and wave as she walked down the hall.
“This was strange for two reasons,” explained Finnegan. “First, because no woman has ever smiled at me before, and second, because we were in the middle of J’ Serra.”
As days went by in that grey hoodie, Finnegan noticed an ever-increasing number of women behaving in strange new ways towards him: saying hi on the street, sitting with him at the caf, asking him to help them study for theology exams, confiding in him about deeply personal matters and mysteriously materializing handkerchiefs out of nowhere and proceeding to drop them.
Having begun discerning the priesthood, Finnegan was utterly flabbergasted by these new developments. So, as any good Franny would do, he turned to prayer: “Lord, why are all these beautiful women paying attention to me now that I can’t date anymore?”
Finnegan prayed, only to realize that he was a member of the PDP, not the priesthood. “At that,” he said, “I thanked God for giving me clarity, and I dropped out of the program, asking out the next girl that dropped a handkerchief in front of me.”
Finnegan claims that he never would have been able to begin discerning marriage if he hadn’t first joined the PDP.
“I never looked back,” said Finnegan. “We were praying at the Marian grotto outside the Port one day, and, as she did on the day we met, she dropped her handkerchief. I got down on one knee, picked it up with my left hand, and pulled out a ring with my right.”
“I had never really noticed Joseph before,” said his fiancé, Mary Egan. “But when I first saw that hoodie, I just knew.”
Egan claims that only a man who is holy enough to discern the priesthood, a vocation of loneliness and sorrow, could ever hold the keys to her heart. This statement was followed immediately by the enthusiastic concurrences of her nearby friends.
Finnegan recommended that all young men seeking a girlfriend join the PDP, whether they’re open to the priesthood or not. Though it may seem counter intuitive, data gathered by TrustMeBro.com says that 99% of young men who join the PDP leave with a girlfriend (with the unfortunate other 1% going on to join seminary).
Finnegan and Egan plan on getting married right after graduation, at which point they intend to make use of their theology and catechetics degrees by becoming youth ministers in Texas, raising a family of at least twelve children.