Satire: student petitions influence Christ the King Chapel renovation plans

By Anonymous

A divide has sprung up on campus between traditionalist and charismatic students over the form they believe the new Christ the King (CTK) chapel renovations should take.

A group of traditionally-minded students have put forth a blueprint for the University’s consideration featuring Gothic spires and a tiled roof reminiscent of St. Stephen’s in Vienna, Austria; an altar of similar grandeur to St. Peter’s Basilica; and an exact copy of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling.

After submitting the blueprint, the group went in front of CTK where they lay prostrate and chanted psalm 34 in Latin.

After the demonstration, an anonymous interviewee said, “If it doesn’t have a solid gold high altar, I don’t want it.”

The charismatic students also voiced their opinion.

John Paul “JP” Blaz,e a sophomore and FOP team lead, said, “It needs to have really soft carpets. I mean, how are we supposed to feel the warmth of Christ’s love while our bare feet are on cold marble floors?”

He then pulled out his guitar seemingly from nowhere and began strumming the tune of “Reckless Love.”

Still strumming, he said, “Oh, and it needs some nice ambient lighting. Preferably color-changing LEDs.”

At the appeal of the students, the Rev. Dave Pivonka, TOR, unveiled new plans for the renovations. Special attention was given to the wants of the students.

The designers were careful in not making it too contemporary, nor too traditional, instead striving for something in between, “something we know the students already love,” said Pivonka. “Amen?”

The new renovations will be styled after the Finnegan Fieldhouse, explained Pivonka.

“With all the Masses we’ve had in the Fieldhouse, we know that it holds a special place in our students’ hearts, and we wanted to bring that to every Mass, which led to our idea to renovate Christ the King Chapel in its style,” Pivonka said.

The sanctuary will be torn up and replaced by a plain, creaky black stage, giving the students that nostalgic sound; instruments and microphones will be moved from the back of the chapel up onto the new stage, right in front of the altar, so that all the students can see the musicians and really feel a connection to the Holy Spirit through them; and the tabernacle has been moved somewhere off to the side behind a curtain.

“We decided to really go above and beyond this time, giving the students the most Finnegan-feeling experience we can, even if the actual Fieldhouse doesn’t have some of these things,” Pivonka said. “Which is why we’ll be collecting old gym socks from the actual Fieldhouse and planting them in the AC ducts at Christ the King.”

The AC system will also be replaced with a gargantuan unit that will randomly kick on several times each hour, blocking out all other noise and providing a perfect time for silent prayer. This system will, of course, be visible, as the interior ceiling is being removed, leaving the roof and the AC system as the only things between the students and the heavens.

Pivonka concluded the interview by saying, “We (the university administration) are confident that the students will love their new chapel, and we can’t wait to share with you all our plans for renovating the Fieldhouse.”