By Anonymous
Columnist
Fresh out of high school? Searching for your next big step in life? Thinking about coming to Franciscan University of Steubenville? Not a bad idea.
If you come to Steubenville, you’ll grow in so many ways. From the English department, you’ll learn that “to be or not to be, that is the question,” and from the philosophy department, you’ll learn that “to be or not to be” is not the question, but, in fact, a fact: that is, the principle of non-contradiction.
In daily life, you’ll learn the importance of Chacos and Dunkin Donuts. Then, in Christian Marriage, you just might learn how to get that ring by spring.
Oh, but this isn’t an ad for the school. As great as it is, Franciscan has its own challenges to overcome, which is why I’ve put together a packing list to help you excel in (or at least survive) your time as a Franny.
Here’s what you’re going to need most:
First, as anyone who’s taken a breath in Steubenville knows, you’re going to need a hazmat suit or, at the very least, a good gas mask. There’s a lot of growth that goes on here in Steubenville: growth of the mind, growth of the soul, growth of the heart and growth of mysterious, unidentifiable substances that may or may not be safe to inhale …
Second, you’ll want a blindfold to protect your sweet, innocent eyes from the overly affectionate freshman couples. Love may be beautiful, but whatever that is most certainly is not.
Third, I recommend The Thirst-Quenching Reverse Osmosis Delicious Drink Dispenser 5000. This is the only way to survive in Steubenville.
Well, unless you develop superpowers from the Ohio River, making the local water empower you further (but that only happens every couple of semesters).
Fourth – and this is a very important one – you will need a good copy of “The Silmarillion”, the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings movies, the collector’s edition of the books and a hobbit costume. Lack even one of these and your safety cannot be guaranteed.
Fifth on the list, we have another list. As you might have picked up, Steubenville is an interesting place. Its weather is no exception.
Bring some top-notch clothing for dealing with temperatures that resemble both the sixth and ninth circles of Hell. Oh, and be prepared for it to switch from sixth to ninth, then back again within a twenty-four-hour period.
Some necessities follow: several layer-able parkas, the shortest shorts you can feasibly wear while still remaining in a state of grace, at least seven pairs of woolen saint socks (St. Lawrence is pretty good at keeping toasty), A LOT of thermal underwear and a good pair of sandals (Chacos and Birkenstocks are standard issue).
Sixthly, a Hydro Flask or Stanley cup for your sticker collection to find a home. Don’t have a sticker collection? Don’t worry – you will.
Seventh, for those of you hailing from states that actually know what spices are (looking at you, southerners), you’re going to need a few dozen cans of Tony Chachere’s Creole Seasoning (Old Bay is an acceptable alternative for Marylanders).
Eighth (and this is crucial), noise-canceling ear plugs to survive the screeching torrent released every time a woman intents. How a single pane of glass is still intact on this campus I’ll never know.
Ninth on the list is a utility belt with all the gadgets necessary to become the Chastity Bandit’s faithful sidekick. It’s a noble cause, and he needs all the help he can get with this campus.
With these nine items, you should be off to a very good start, but keep in mind that everyone’s experience is different.
In addition to the above list, I personally needed some reindeer feed and a good hobgoblin-poking stick, and a friend of mine wouldn’t have survived this long (and I do mean that literally) without their trusty grappling hook, while I haven’t needed one once.
These next four years will definitely be one of the experiences of all time. Follow this guide, and you just might be able to add “greatest” to that sentence.
Godspeed and welcome home, Franny.