Sauron: Our true presidential candidate



The two thousand and sixteenth year after the birth of the Messiah has demonstrated all sorts of odd mannerisms and quirks of the human race. It is this year in particular that in the United States of America millions of citizens will flock to the presidential election booths or stay at home and eat doughnuts and hide from this political quagmire. It indeed has proven itself to be the specter of a thousand nightmares coagulated in the political onslaught.

Christians fight Christians, Americans against Americans, each slinging and flinging insults and slander while boasting about their corrupted knight in corroded armor. Little did all silly Republicans and Democrats know that none of the prospective candidates are the solution to this pathetic problem as each are equally divisive of the entire American populace. How can we even dream of solidarity while each party member insists on the “them versus us” mentality? What is more ridiculous is the fact that our true presidential candidate has received little to no publicity or even the admittance of a single remark in any conversations.

Today, however, with the burden of conscience, I must rectify this glaring atrocity and attempt to demonstrate, indeed, whom all Republicans and Democrats ought to follow, who can unite these fractured states and this divided people into a harmonious community of brotherhood. This whom, of course, all should know is Sauron, Lord of Mordor, with his running mate Saruman, Lord of Isengard.

This may seem preposterous or absurd, at first, to the reader, but I ask for your patience as it is in the following demonstration that I will hereby argue as to why Sauron and Saruman is the ideal presidential ticket for both Republicans and Democrats. After this, it should be readily apparent that by this successful demonstration it would immediately grant that this presidential candidate alone in the 2016 presidential race can unite the Republican-Democrat divide, healing the wounds of the nation and putting her back onto her feet.

Saruman is the obvious running mate for Sauron and ought to appeal to Republicans. As Lord of Isengard he took charge of all industry as CEO and brought about great expansion and innovation, even clearing large forests to make way for the economic boon. Do not worry about those pesky environmentalists as they made a nice fresh fat-free lunch for the workers. He tolerated no labor unions, all workers are treated equally and with decency; in fact, all have an equal right to loot and pillage. He heavily invested in science and engineering, especially in the production of siege towers.

Clearly Saruman is an icon of harmonious industry keeping up with the demands of economic growth. He is also a strong leader, knowing when to jail people or when simply to eliminate a threat. Both he and Sauron believe in a strong military force and expend most of their resources in bolstering their armies. Sauron also believes in constructing walls to keep those illegal immigrants out, and when they do arrive, he is alright with completely encircling them with his armies and annihilating them.

Yet, Saruman is the ideal running mate for the Democrats too. He is an advocate for the sexual revolution as he even eliminated the need for physical procreation for the generation of his followers. He provides everyone with jobs, encouraging teamwork in clear cutting forests and pillaging innocent (I mean, deserving) villages. Each member of society contributes to the greater whole, feeling as one with the greater unity. Saruman gives all denizens work experience, believing in equal opportunity for all. He and Sauron even gave jobs to the barbarians, those outcasts of Middle Earth society forced to live on the outer fringes of civilization. No one is unemployed! Each has a job and knows their purpose in society.

Both Saruman and Sauron have an extensive government welfare program that equally applies to all citizens. Each member receives a handout consisting in a weapon to bash out enemy brains and armor to protect them while they do so. Both also believe in free education for everyone. Everyone has the right to learn how to march in formation and to ride a Warg into combat.

Though these musings are brief, it should suffice for why our true champions in this year’s presidential race are Sauron and Saruman, since what they believe is something each Republican and Democrat (can) take hold of and bring to heart. Together, with our votes and willingness to participate and re-create our society, we can ensure the establishment of an American utopia with the leadership of Sauron and Saruman. Vote Sauron for president and Saruman for vice-president. Who will protect you when the humans come and invade your village tomorrow?