Christopher Dacanay
Sports Editor
I am not a fan of curling. It’s a controversial opinion, I know, but please listen to my reasoning.
Curling is one of the most uninteresting sports I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching. Certainly, curling takes plenty of athletic prowess to execute properly, but I can’t help snoozing away while the competition progresses.
There’s so much downtime in curling compared to other sports. When I watch curling, I feel like my brain is slowly being dragged through mud. I pass out only to reemerge into consciousness hours later. There are now two stones on the ice instead of one.
How is one supposed to react to curling? Are we supposed to cheer? I don’t think I’m physically capable of cheering for something so mundane. At most, when a stone makes it into the house, I can only bring myself to painfully exhale as my eyes roll back into their sockets.
A single match of curling involves each team having eight stones each. All 16 must be thrown to complete a single match, known as an end. There are usually between eight and 10 ends in a single game.
Imagine having to sit through that entire game, consisting of about 144 stone throws. By the time that game ends, my grandkids will be graduating from kindergarten.
Objectively, curling is just professional sweeping. If I wanted to watch a sport about doing chores, I would rather watch competitive washing machine repairing — yes, that’s a thing.
I hypothesize that curling began originally as a game custodial staff would play to pass the time during their shifts. They’d slide a textbook on the ground, sweep the floor in front of it and watch the thing whizz down the hall, only for an unfortunate professor to take a ride on it as it passes.
According to ZipRecruiter, the highest earners in professional curling make about $96,500 per year. Meanwhile, the average salary for janitors is $25,738 per year.
Something doesn’t add up there. It’s the same amount of work with vastly different pay. Looks like it’s time for our friendly neighborhood socialists to step up and bring justice to the workforce.
The athletes get so fired up about curling, too. When they’re screaming their commands you’d think someone was dying. Their hollers are blood-curdling. Dude, it’s just curling. Chill out — no pun intended.
If curling is such a great sport, why isn’t it practiced more often? For that matter, why doesn’t Franciscan University have a curling team? Maybe it’s time we brought curling to our beloved university.
Mark my word, I am willing to start the Franciscan curling team. All I need is $100,000 up front to cover my medical bill for when I inevitably slip and fall on the ice, benching me for the rest of my career.
The next time Title IX requires Franciscan to start another sports team, the sport should definitely be curling. Why? Because no one will join the team and the program will inevitably shut down. Title IX problem solved.
Curling isn’t speedy enough for college students anyway. You know who curling is more applicable to? Grandmas. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at shuffleboarding. Who’s playing that, spry youngsters or grandpas wearing Hawaiian shirts and cargo pants?
No matter who you are or where you’re from, you can agree with me that curling is pretty dumb. It’s slowly paced, uneventful and pretentious, too. I can just envision a blond Canadian man in a tuxedo pulling at his tie and saying to me, “Yes, I am indeed a curler. You may now kiss my shoes.”
Let’s all put a stop to curling, guys. We need to band together to end the crime against athletics that is curling. We must crowd the streets and the city corners. We must raise our banners high, demanding one thing: the total and utter abolition of curling.
One day I’ll probably look back on this article and think that maybe I was a bit too harsh. Then I will remember curling and realize that I was totally justified.