joshua judges ruth
Satire: Cautiously Curated Campus Cryptids
By anonymous In a recent press conference Rev. Dave Pivonka TOR revealed that the school has been infiltrated by a number of strange creatures, or “cryptids,” as the administration has taken to calling them. While the cryptids are predominantly harmless, Fr. Dave believes it would be best to keep the students informed about the situation. […]
Satire Column: Peasant Concerns
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an ambitious young man, full of ideas for the betterment of his community and ready to put […]
Satire Column: A Great Day to be a Baron
By Anonymous Time seemed to slow as the twelve-passenger van rolled along University Blvd. Matt raised his weary head from his pillow resting against the window, his eyes came alive, and his jaw dropped. After five long days on the road from Utqiagvik, Alaska, on the 24th day of August in the year of our […]
Satire Column: Familiar epidemic returns to campus
By Anonymous An old epidemic strikes Franciscan University of Steubenville anew reported Health Services on Monday. “We’ve seen this drug before,” said an anonymous official at Health Services. “We thought we had eradicated it last time, but, somehow, it’s returned.” Officials say that the drug is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. […]
Satire: The Mimic
By Anonymous In a certain kingdom, in a certain valley, a small settlement atop a hill, Steubenvillage, was alive with people of all manner, one of whom is of particular interest to our tale: Francis Underhill. Francis was an eager young man, always excited to grow in holiness, and, while still growing, to look as […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: The gift of the graduate: the final tale of Avila and Paul
By Anonymous “$1.87”—there were less than two weeks left until graduation and that was all the money left in Avila’s bank account. She stared at the ATM’s mocking screen, blinked and looked again. Avila began to cry. Two weeks earlier, a fortnight of mid-wintery days had faded Paul’s tan. The days when the worthy state […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: A Tale of Two Spring Breaks
By Anonymous There is nothing (short of a semester in Austria) that causes such division amongst the students at Franciscan as spring break. To paraphrase one of the greatest authors of the 1800s: it was the best of breaks, it was the worst of breaks. It was the age of mission; it was the age […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Biblical study claims Jesus followed Cottagecore aesthetic
Satire Anonymous A controversial new exegetical study released this week aims to prove that Jesus Christ identified with the “Cottagecore” aesthetic, a fashion and lifestyle subgenre that has recently launched into popular consciousness via social media. In the article, ex-Vatican press correspondent Starlie Medford uses a number of biblical texts to conclude that the son […]
Letter to the Editor
We were not entertained by the Joshua Judges Ruth article of Thursday, Sept 24. entitled, “Franciscan student cures COVID-19 by ignoring it entirely,” although its placement in the entertainment section was correctly chosen. The article, clearly a work of fiction, supports a commonly held sentiment that the response to the COVID-19 pandemic is overblown and […]
“Guest Critic: Shakespeare should not be fun”
Anonymous Editor’s note: We have foregone our usual print of the News, in favor of presenting to you this guest column, left on the desks of the Troubadour with instructions to “Print immediately or face beheading.” To you, we extend our apologies. I consider myself a gentleman and a scholar. I attend the theatrics. I […]