satire column
The Universal Church
Anonymous Satire Column In an interview April 3, Franciscan University’s president announced plans to establish several new campuses across the globe as the next phase of a recent capital campaign in response to overwhelming over-funding. The Rev. President Dave Pivonka, TOR announced Thursday that the school will be establishing new campuses in crucial places across […]
Friend With Car has to finish homework, students in turmoil
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE A group of freshmen in St. Elizabeth Hall are devastated this week after their friend with a car politely refused to give them a ride to Walmart, saying she had “too much to do tonight.” Marya Hildenbergh, a member of the party who knocked on the car owner’s door at 8 p.m. begging urgently […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: ‘Why No Woman Week?’ – Female students protest inequality
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE It began with the propaganda. The small paper signs depicting masculine, bearded faces appeared on the walls of the J.C. Williams Center, boldly announcing an upcoming week of ministry for the campus’s male population. Now, the women of Franciscan University of Steubenville are crying out for justice. “Man Week is a disgrace,” […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Students happy to return to sin-free environment
ANONYMOUS AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE After nearly a month of break, students are expressing their joy as they return to an environment unclouded by the stain of moral depravity. “Four weeks is a long time to be surrounded by the unholy majority,” said freshman Jepthro Minkle, who recently declared a theology minor. “I never understood how sinful my […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Students attempt high culture
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE Students donned their top hats and twirled diamond-encrusted canes to embrace Franciscan University’s display of high-class affairs last week. Any observant socialites — like myself — certainly must have noticed that the week of Nov. 10 contained not only a chorale concert and art exhibit but also three separate poetry readings. Junior Ambrose Becket, who attended the chorale concert, expressed […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: On the finer points of sportball
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE After a high-stakes game to secure a place in the regional championships, the Barons sportball team lost to the East-Western University Herons in their ninth game of the season. After a patriotic singing of the anthem, a man shouted, “Play ball!” and the players scrambled like a flock of pigeons seeking the same […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Club life experiences religious revival
AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE The annual club fair hosts groups of every academic and social stripe imaginable, yet it always seems as though the same clubs receive immense attention every year while others go largely unnoticed. Who are these forgotten few? Students entered the club fair with a single goal filling their minds. Not too many had done anything of much importance […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Entire student body declares war on dating culture
ANONYMOUS AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE The entirety of Franciscan University’s student body has expressed frustration for the past four years that the entire student body doesn’t know how to date. “The dating culture is so uptight here. Everyone needs to relax,” said everyone. When asked to elaborate, the entire student body expressed its attitude of annoyance […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: Students surprised soft serve machine actually serves
ANONYMOUS AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE The soft serve ice cream machine on the first floor of Antonian Hall pleasantly surprised the student body and others on the evening of Friday, Jan. 25, when it suddenly began to work, serving lactose-free ice cream when prompted. “It was truly miraculous,” remarked freshman Rachel Peterson. “I thought it was […]
Joshua Judges Ruth: After-Confession party for one sinner who repented ‘hosted’ by heavenly hosts
ANONYMOUS AN OBSERVANT SOCIALITE The J.C. Williams Center atrium was packed last Friday for a celebration for one sinner who repented. The angels, in union with the communion of saints, held a great feast in honor of one student sinner who repented. The Rev. Gregory Plow, TOR, was standing for three hours by the stop […]