By Anonymous
Satire Columnist
“There it is. Our great triumph …” thought Joseph, staring across a great plane, “or our great doom.” A league in distance lay between them, yet he could already feel the heat emanating from that terrible fortress. The sky was darkened with smoke streaming from those stacks, and no wildlife remained to fill the air with shrieks.
Menaced by fear, he looked back at the path that had led him there. It all began one ordinary Friday night, as the Tolkien Society met for their weekly fireside discussion.
“I personally believe the Hobbit movies to be the best thing to come out of Tolkien’s work,” said a newcomer, followed by a gasp and intense discussion.
As the club’s president stood up preparing to deliver a speech that would show the newcomer his error, a scout burst through the door panting for breath. The room was left in shocked silence as the society eagerly awaited the man’s news. Pulling himself together after a moment, the scout managed, “Amazon,” he gasped, struggling for breath, “Amazon’s moved up their plans.”
“How much time do we have?” asked the president.
“Less than a week.” Six days were all that remained before Rings of Power season two would air, and all hope would be lost.
Shocked by the enemy’s ambition, the president convened a council of the club’s officers. Hesitant to admit any need for help and bent by old prejudice, he refused to call for aid. Seeing the desperate situation, though, the secretary ignored his decree and lit up the GroupMe’s of Franciscan, reminding their old allies of the bonds they shared and debts they owed.
The Carpentry Club outfitted the men with weapons, and the Fencing Club trained them in the use of these new armaments. While the men were being trained, the Board Game Club and the Chess Club came together to lay out a plan of attack, and the Catholic Agrarian Club prepped food for the long journey. All the while the Veritas Society debated the motion “This house believes that Amazon’s Rings of Power season two is good for society.”
The Tolkien Society marched on Amazon’s fortress in Arlington, Virginia. One league from its gates, Joseph thought back to his past as he marched toward his future. The ground was cracked and barren, polluted by Amazon’s industry: the tyranny of nature.
Sensing their approach with his great eye (cellphone tracking), the Dark Lord, Jeff Bezos, issued an army of Organized Resistance Contesting Sentries (ORCS) to waylay the approaching Franny army.
The ORCS were vicious ground drones, wreaking havoc upon the Franny forces. Hope dwindled quickly, as Franny after Franny fell to their snares. Joseph slashed at one of the ORCS, smashing its head in with his wooden blade, only to be pinned to the ground by another. It began to detain him, cuffing his hands, and Joseph thought all was lost.
Then, with a burst of light peering over the crest of a nearby hill, Joseph saw a great stallion rearing with fire in its eyes. Its rider brought it to bear, and they charged down that cascading light, with a stampede of riders following.
“The Equestrian Club has come to our aid!” shouted one Franny through tears, as shouts of joy rose through the ranks.
The riders were swift and lobbed off head after head of these ORCS. The tide of battle had turned in favor of those who would fight for what is good in this land; it turned in favor of those who would keep fidelity to Tolkien’s works, and who would cherish his memory.
The combined Franny forces came up to the black gates of Amazon, and as they began to construct a battering ram to bring it down, the Arlington police force arrived and began arresting those involved.
As it turns out, destruction of private property, no matter how “evil, dastardly, and wicked” the owner may be, is a criminal offense.
The Rings of Power season two came out as expected, and those involved in the Battle of Arlington Field, once released from jail, carried on with their lives like normal, as poor quality television programming has little-to-no effect on them.