As soon as Lent rolls around, the season of penance coaxes entirely new personalities out of Franciscan students. When repenting for their sins, most Frannies fall into one of five categories. Curious about your tendencies? Here is a complete guide to the Five Penitent Personalities. 

THE FAT TUESDAY FANATICS

On the vigil of Ash Wednesday, these penitents follow a strict diet: donuts and waffles for breakfast, ice cream sundaes for lunch, and more ice cream for dinner. Since Fat Tuesday Enthusiasts usually give up cigarettes for Lent, they also gather to chain-smoke outside the J.C. before time runs out. 

After Fat Tuesday Enthusiasts enjoy their last dose of nicotine for the next 40 days, they head straight to Clear Creek for a caffeine blowout. Clear Creek Coffee reports that sales of chocolate-cinnamon quadruple espressos with caramel cold foam, size XL, consistently spike on Fat Tuesday every year.   

THE MEDIEVAL ENTHUSIASTS   

Wondering how to spot one? Next time somebody stops and asks you to beat them with a stick, you can guarantee that this person is a Medieval Enthusiast. These penitents prefer old-fashioned mortifications like walking barefoot in subzero weather, whipping each other, and getting tonsure haircuts in Francis Hall. 

THE OVERACHIEVERS

Similar in zeal but different in results are Overachievers. Overachievers begin their Lent by purchasing a brand-new, leatherbound prayer journal to write down their resolutions. Then, they color-code their list according to Prayer, Fasting, and Almsgiving. 

A sample Lenten checklist might include daily Liturgy of the Hours, fasting from all meals, four Rosaries a day, five ministries a week, and reading the entire Bible and Summa Theologica. Unfortunately, these resolutions rarely last a week. The trouble begins when an Overachiever says wistfully, “Well…that cookie looks really good…I’ll just skip my movie tonight to make up for eating it…”

THE PHARISEES

Next are the Pharisees. So that other Frannies might see that they are fasting, Pharisees skip showering for the entire first month of Lent to preserve their Ash Wednesday crosses. Clearing their throats for attention, they drop $100 bills in the collection basket at Sunday Mass. 

Pharisees also stride into class and pray aloud, “Dear Lord, I thank You that I am not like these other students, playing Roblox on their laptops, wearing sweatpants, and eating ice cream during Lent. I fast 67 times a week and sell all my textbooks to give alms to the poor.” 

THE TAX COLLECTORS

Tax Collectors, on the other hand, are rarely noticed. They go to class, attend daily Mass, and hang out with friends like most other students. What sets them apart? Without complaining to anybody, they sign up for a 3 a.m. holy hour at the Port. The next morning, although they feel like trash, they wash their faces and cheerfully walk to Egan. Not a soul knows that they lost four hours of sleep. But their Father, who sees in secret, knows and will give them their reward.